Parody Warning

Something fishy this way comes…

New Orca Times Best Smeller List

The Porpoise Driven Life

Have a Little Filet

What the Catfish Saw

The Lost Swordfish

Arguing with Fishermen

The Shark

The Girl with the Dragonfish Tattoo

Snapperfishanomics

Oyster Bed of Roses

Phish

New Snook

The Five Grouper Languages

Buy Ketchup in May and Fry at Noon

Too Big to Scale

True Bluefin

The Audacity to Fin

When the Gamefish was Ours

These are book titles you will not actually see on the NYT’s best seller list.

That is a good thing, I’m sure.

I am sure you can do better. I was just thinking about fishing when I saw the best seller list in my email. =)

Does anybody else remember that old set of gags about book titles?

“Trip to the Outhouse” by Willie Makeit. Illustrated by Bette Wont.

“Yellow River” by I.P. Freely

“The Art of Irish Decks” by Patty O’Furniture

I don’t remember them either.

I do remember some of the worst jokes.

What did the Mama buffalo say to her little boy as he was leaving for school? Bi-son!

Where did the baby buffalo eat lunch that day? The calf-ateria.

What do you call a cow laying down? Ground Beef.

Why do dairy cows wear bells? Their horns don’t work.

What do you call a dry dairy cow? Milk dud.

How do pigs sign their love letters? Hogs and kisses.

What do you feed an invisible barn cat? Evaporated milk.

Where do devilled eggs come from? Wicked chickens.

Why are horses such lousy dancers? They have two left feet.

Why do cowboys ride horses? Because they are too heavy to carry.

What is the primary use of cow hides? Holding cows together. Duh.

A three legged dog walks into a bar and declares “I am looking for the man who shot my paw!”

I should probably apologize. But I won’t. =D

Happy Tuesday, friend.

Old Hat

Old Hat’s Dictionary of Kid Words

It has been my experience that most children will call some things by names that are fairly unique to them. I have heard several funny stories this week about what kids have decided to name things and how the family involved still calls it that even though the kid in question is now grown. I have decided that it would be fun to make a collection of such words and their definitions. Please feel free to play along. I shall be adding your kid words to the list and time stamping the heck out of it.

Just because I think it will be fun and I could use some fun. =D

Okay. Wait. There are some awesomely funny words that will not be making this list. My great nephew had some speech issues when he was little. He could never get the hang of the letter “s” or its sound. Instead of “s” he always ended up using the letter “f”. The word lollipop was allowed in his house. The word sucker was not. =D

English            Kid speak

Yellow               lowie

Elephant            eshon

Fellowship hall    shellowfip hall

Baptized            alphabaptized

Mickey Mouse    Nick Nose

Pinnochio           Noeky nose

Cup                   puck

Pumpkin            pokin’

Veterans’ Day     veterinarians’ day

Monte Carlo       conte marlo

Donuts              nutnos

Horse                balum-balum

Grandmother     Rah-rah

Sandwich           swammich

Bathing suit       baby suit

Sun screen        sun scream

Root beer          root beard

Spaghetti           busketti

Hankerchief       handkertissue

Wash cloth         wash cashaw

Large                hunormous

Pumpkin            pungee

Grilled cheese    girl cheese

Pattern              patterin

Chip                  pip

Raisins              tawbers

Medicine            memicine

Motorcycles        gatos

Spoon               poom

Sippy cup          pip

Cell phone         non-non, blah-blah

Grandpa            Pappap

Dangerous         drain-us

Earrings            ear-rahs

Yeah                 a-ya

Nasty                naggy

Oklahoma          moka-moka, hoka hoga

Watusi               wussy

Boobs                doodebees, cooties

Grandmother     main-guh-guh

Yogurt               yogrit

Yakamishi          mushy wushy

Stop                  toppinahead

Love you           lubbu tubbu

Face                  fachai

Remote             memote

Communication   ammunications

Allergies            aller-Jesus

More juice          more jew

Zipper               dipper

What’s that         whazzat

Left                   yeft

Thank you         da doo

Kiss                   beck

Trash can          bobby

Britches             said without the r, as in "pull up my..."

Macaroni           mah-cah-toonie

Pillowcase          poo coo sacks

Potty                 oopy puppy

Good girl           good grill, goo gur

Memory             remembery

Ocean               lotion

Football players  hockeybockers

Hamburger        hangleburger

Trucks               frucks

Calculator          clackcleator

Apartment         compartment

Hospital             horsepital

I think we should have a section on childhood misconceptions, too.

Gladly the cross I’d bear      Gladly, the crosseyed bear

When we prayed for the faithful departed they always prayed for the faithful retarded.  The Our Father started out with, Our Father who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.

When my dad used to cheer for a fumble in football, I thought he was saying "thimble" and would yell that.  I had no idea what a sewing implement had to do with football... I am now more knowledgeable about football, but still think about thimble's when it would be nice if our dee could force a fumble. :)

My son had trouble with "t" for some reason and would substitute other sounds.  When he wanted to say, "Teppei wa tamago wo taberu," (Japanese for "Teppei eats an egg.") it would come out "Pettei wa panago wo kaberu."

There is an old Sesame Street Song that Cookie Monster sings.  "C is for Cookie".  Our son used to sit down in front of the tv and sing along with Cookie with great gusto...

"T" is for Tookie that's good enough for me,
"T" is for tookie that's good enough for me,
"T" is for tookie that's good enough for me,
Oh! tookie, tookie, tookie starts with "C"!"

Every now and again something will remind of us of that and we'll all sing that last line.....
:)

God in three purses

My second daughter's name is Ruth Marie...when our youngest was little, she'd call Ruth "RE" took me a while to realize it was because I was usually calling her Ruth MaRIE.

Also, I used to think that "Make ends meet" was "Make end's meat" like some kind of exotic food or something.

"...with liberty and Justins for all." My kindergarten class, I think. Maybe first grade.

I had a hard time understanding the National Anthem -- what was that word that sounded like "donzerly"?  I finally heard  it correctly when I was in about junior high school -- "the dawn's early light"

When I was a child, I was very confused by the song "I've got the joy (down in my heart)" because of the chorus which goes:

"I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart . . . to stay!"

And I thought it was "down in my heart Tuesday!"

Which meant I had no idea why we went to church on Sundays and Wednesday, and I wasn't sure what would happen to a Christian if one were to die on, say, a Thursday.

My brother couldn't whistle, so he would command the dogs by saying, "beep beep" or "doot doot."  Sometimes I catch myself saying "beep beep" to someone I wish would move out of the way.  So embarrassing!

Our son...who is now in Iraq, used to call Helicopters "hellofacopter"....try listening to that with a straight face!!!!   We are still known to use the phrase from time to time and it always brings a smile!!! (I wonder if he calls them that when he climbs on one over in the desert????)

You know that childrens song...'Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy"...well, until I was about 40 years old I honestly thought it was a nonsense song.......mairz ee doz n doze ee doz and little lamz ee ivee......I felt so SILLY when I realized it was a real song with REAL words....lolol

there was a time when she started really understanding things and she got sick.  she had a fever and i was talking to my friend about it telling them that "Emma had a bad cold."  to which Emma pipes up and says, "no i don't.  i have a hot!"

One time when I was small, I was learning how to spell words.  I think I was trying to write a letter.  Probably to Santa.  I asked Mom "How do you spell couldjee?"  She gave me the oddest look, like what?  And I said "You know, couldjee, wouldjee, caintjee?"  She looked a little confused still, then figured out that I meant "could you, would you, can't you."  From that point on she was very careful how she spoke around me.  

My three year old used to point at Grandma Sally's nectarine tree and ask if she would please pick him a rectangle. Ever since, rectangles have been my favorite fruit.

There's a children's classic "The Little Engine That Could". I read that book many (MANY) times to my children. One day I overheard my son reading the book to his sister. There's a page in the book that tells how the Little Engine was huffing and puffing, huffing and puffing, to get up the hill. Instead of huffing and puffing, my son read "coughing and choking, coughing and choking".

when the twins were small a grill cheese was a girl cheese .............. must be normal cause I see you already have that one. However, their mother put a slice of ham in the girl cheese one day and they both commented on the "boy" cheese sandwich. A grilled ham and cheese is still a boy cheese around here.

When I was very very young, it really used to freak me out if I overheard my mom telling people she was going to "run some Erins".  I couldn't figure out why she wanted to make me run!!  I didn't want to run!  Why, Mama?  Why?

And, perhaps my personal favorite: My dear (very conservative and modest) grandfather used to go hiking with his friends all the time in the Boonies (boondocks, to you and me) near his home.  He would come back and tell all kinds of stories about things they saw in the Boonies.  One day, my little cousin Alyssa looked at him and asked: "Grandpa, what do you do in the Boobies anyway?"  Yes, he still talks about the old days, when he used to go hiking and fishing in the Boobies.

Our oldest son would change his words all around, and often would stand and repeat them and repeat them, knowing that something wasn't quite right, but not being able to quite get it together:
App-crabble Tree --Crab apple Tree

Pan of Caint -- Can of paint

"Look Mom, I'm walking on my nipples! (tiptoes)

Candy-happed sign (Handicapped sign)

But our Youngest Son had some of the most interesting --

One day, when he was just a little chap, I was helping him get dressed and trying to get the underwear on in a decent fashion and a certain appendage was peeking out, "Mom," (indignantly) you have to get my poisonous in!!!"

The same child, after watching the Andy Griffith Show where Barney had been trying to sing, and Andy told him that there was "something hanging down in back of his throat that was interfering with musical ability." Old Barney went to the doctor and found out that it was, in fact an uvula. "Yeah," says Barney, "I've got a uvula, you've got a uvula, all God's children got an uvula." A few days later I heard this child singing at the top of his lungs in mixed company, "I've got a uterus, you've got a uterus, all God's children got a uterus!"

"My little sister used to always say "end of con-cusion" instead of "end of discussion.""

When Whitney was really little she would call me 'Gabba Har' at times.  For the life of me I couldn't figure that one out, until one day we were shopping and she saw a display of boys underwear.  She pointed at one and said, 'Gabba Har'.  It was the Incredible Hulk.  I'm not sure what I did to earn that title.  Regarding Caden saying 'naggy' for 'nasty' - my husband is in the pipeline construction industry and they are currently in the process of cleaning out a newly constructed line.  They run these big foam things called pigs through the line until they come out clean.  Grown men on the job site this week have been catching the pigs and saying, 'nope, it's still naggy'.  Love it.

When my oldest son was young, he had trouble with his "t" ... so, trucks were "frucks".  Of course, we were completely used to it, but strangers at the store would look at me horrified when he was yelling about "frucks"

when i was a kid i remember being sick, mom woke me up from my nap and asked me if i wanted some pepto bismol for my stomach...i scrunched my nose, looked at her and asked: "what's people buisness?" 
my youngest sister had trouble with her "ch's" when she was little so saying chip and chair always came out "ship" and "shair".  she also thought that chicken nuggets was chicken uggets, and therefore always asked for "uggets, shicken uggets" when we went out to lunch/dinner. 

I decided to call this one childhood perception. Wow!

I called my grandma Meme, and from then on almost everybody called her Meme, even the preacher.  Meme died when I was 18.  I married at 20 and had my first child at 21, a little girl, who called her favorite blanket "meme."

God is great, God is good----God is grace, God is good.-----From my oldest girls.

Play along with me. Laughing won’t make life’s problems any less serious. It will just give us all a break from them. A little time away from them in which to rest our minds and hearts and, perhaps, gain a little perspective on our challenges.

Old Hat